Frank: 'Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chilicook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and Ihappened to be standing there at the judge's table, asking fordirections to the Coors Light truck, when the call came in. I wasassured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn'tbe all that spicy; and besides, they told me I could have free beerduring the tasting, so I accepted and became Judge 3.'
Here are the scorecard notes from the event:
CHILI # 1 - MIKE'S MANIAC MONSTER CHILI [/B]
Judge# 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.
Judge # 2 -- Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
Judge # 3 (Frank) -- Holy crap, what the hell is this stuff? You couldremove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put theflames out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.
CHILI # 2 - AUSTIN 'S AFTERBURNER CHILI
Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.
Judge # 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be takenseriously.
Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure whatI'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people whowanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beerwhen they saw the look on my face.
CHILI # 3 - FRED'S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI
Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick.
Judge # 2 -- A bit salty, good use of peppers.
Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nosefeels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine bynow. Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on theback, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm gettingsh*t-faced from all of the beer.
CHILI # 4 - BUBBA'S BLACK MAGIC
Judge # 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fishor other mild foods, not much of a chili.
Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unableto taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the beermaid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. This 300 lb. woman isstarting to look HOT ... just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Ischili an aphrodisiac?
CHILI # 5 - LISA'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER
Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly groundadding considerable kick. Very impressive.
Judge # 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Mustadmit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead andI can no longer focus my eyes. I farted, and four people behind meneeded paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her thather chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue frombleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder ifI'm burning my lips off. It really ticks me off that the other judgesasked me to stop screaming. Screw them.
CHILI # 6 - VERA'S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY
Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance ofspices and peppers.
Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, garlic. Superb.
Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous,sulfuric flames. I crapped on myself when I farted, and I'm worried itwill eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind meexcept that Sally. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my buttwith a snow cone.
CHILI # 7 - SUSAN'S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI
Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can ofchili peppers at the last moment. I should take note that I am worriedabout judge number 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he iscursing uncontrollably.
Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and Iwouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the worldsounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered withchili, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lavato match my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know whatkilled me. I've decided to stop breathing. It's too painful. Screwit; I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suckit in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.
CHILI # 8 - BIG TOM'S TOENAIL CURLING CHILI
Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not toobold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mildnor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge #3 farted,passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor feller, wonder how he'd havereacted to really hot chili?
Judge # 3 - No Report <o
></o>
</TD></TR></TBODY></TABLE>
Here are the scorecard notes from the event:
CHILI # 1 - MIKE'S MANIAC MONSTER CHILI [/B]
Judge# 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.
Judge # 2 -- Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
Judge # 3 (Frank) -- Holy crap, what the hell is this stuff? You couldremove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put theflames out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.
CHILI # 2 - AUSTIN 'S AFTERBURNER CHILI
Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.
Judge # 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be takenseriously.
Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure whatI'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people whowanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beerwhen they saw the look on my face.
CHILI # 3 - FRED'S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI
Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick.
Judge # 2 -- A bit salty, good use of peppers.
Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nosefeels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine bynow. Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on theback, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm gettingsh*t-faced from all of the beer.
CHILI # 4 - BUBBA'S BLACK MAGIC
Judge # 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fishor other mild foods, not much of a chili.
Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unableto taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the beermaid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. This 300 lb. woman isstarting to look HOT ... just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Ischili an aphrodisiac?
CHILI # 5 - LISA'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER
Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly groundadding considerable kick. Very impressive.
Judge # 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Mustadmit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead andI can no longer focus my eyes. I farted, and four people behind meneeded paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her thather chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue frombleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder ifI'm burning my lips off. It really ticks me off that the other judgesasked me to stop screaming. Screw them.
CHILI # 6 - VERA'S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY
Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance ofspices and peppers.
Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, garlic. Superb.
Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous,sulfuric flames. I crapped on myself when I farted, and I'm worried itwill eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind meexcept that Sally. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my buttwith a snow cone.
CHILI # 7 - SUSAN'S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI
Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can ofchili peppers at the last moment. I should take note that I am worriedabout judge number 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he iscursing uncontrollably.
Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and Iwouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the worldsounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered withchili, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lavato match my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know whatkilled me. I've decided to stop breathing. It's too painful. Screwit; I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suckit in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.
CHILI # 8 - BIG TOM'S TOENAIL CURLING CHILI
Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not toobold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mildnor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge #3 farted,passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor feller, wonder how he'd havereacted to really hot chili?
Judge # 3 - No Report <o
></o></TD></TR></TBODY></TABLE>
